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FUNERALETIQUETTE
Thefuneralisaceremonyofprovenworthandvalueforthosewhomourn.Itprovidesanopportunityforthesurvivorsandotherswhoshareinthelosstoexpresstheirlove,respect,griefandappreciationforalifethathasbeenlived.Itpermitsfacingopenlyandrealisticallythecrisisthedeathpresents.Throughthefuneralthebereavedtakethatfirststeptowardemotionaladjustmenttotheirloss.Thisinformationhasbeenpreparedasaconvenientreferenceformodernfuneralpracticesandcustoms.
THEFUNERALSERVICE
Thetypeofserviceconductedforthedeceasedisspecifiedbythefamily.Funeraldirectorsaretrainedtoassistfamiliesinarrangingwhatevertypeofservicetheydesire.Theservice,heldeitherataplaceofworshiporatthefuneralhomewiththedeceasedpresent,variesinritualaccordingtodenomination.Thepresenceoffriendsatthistimeisanacknowledgementoffriendshipandsupport.Itishelpfultofriendsandthecommunitytohaveanobituarynoticepublishedannouncingthedeathandtypeofservicetobeheld.
PRIVATESERVICE...
Thisserviceisbyinvitationonlyandmaybeheldataplaceofworship,afuneralhomeorafamilyhome.Usually,selectedrelativesandafewclosefriendsattendthefuneralservice.Oftenpublicvisitationisheld,condolencesaresent,andthebodyisviewed.
MEMORIALSERVICE...
Amemorialserviceisaservicewithoutthebodypresentandcanvaryinceremonyandproceduresaccordingtothecommunityandreligiousaffiliations.Somefamiliespreferpublicvisitationsfollowedbyaprivateorgravesideservicewithamemorialservicelateratthechurchorfuneralhome.
PALLBEARERS...
Friends,relatives,churchmembersorbusinessassociatesmaybeaskedtoserveaspallbearers.Thefuneraldirectorwillsecurepallbearersifrequestedtodosobythefamily.
HONORARYPALLBEARERS...
Whenthedeceasedhasbeenactiveinpolitical,business,churchorciviccircles,itmaybeappropriateforthefamilytorequestcloseassociatesofthedeceasedtoserveashonorarypallbearers.Theydonotactivelycarrythecasket.
EULOGY...
Aeulogymaybegivenbyamemberofthefamily,clergy,aclosepersonalfriendorabusinessassociateofthedeceased.Theeulogyisnottobelengthy,butshouldofferpraiseandcommendationandreflectthelifeofthepersonwhohasdied.
DRESS...
Wearingcolorfulclothingisnolongerinappropriateforrelativesandfriends.Personsattendingafuneralshouldbedressedingoodtastesoastoshowdignityandrespectforthefamilyandtheoccasion.
FUNERALPROCESSION/CORTEGE...
Whenthefuneralceremonyandtheburialarebothheldwithinthelocalarea,friendsandrelativesmayaccompanythefamilytothecemetery.Theprocessionisformedatthefuneralhomeorplaceofworship.Thefuneraldirectorcanadviseyouofthetrafficregulationsandprocedurestofollowwhiledrivinginafuneralprocession.
CONDOLENCES
Thetimeofdeathisaveryconfusingtimeforfamilymembers.Nomatterwhatyourmeansofexpressingyoursympathy,itisimportanttoclearlyidentifyyourselftothefamily.
FLOWERS...
Sendingafloraltributeisaveryappropriatewayofexpressingsympathytothefamilyofthedeceased.Flowersexpressafeelingoflifeandbeautyandoffermuchcomforttothefamily.Afloraltributecaneitherbesenttothefuneralhomeortheresidence.Ifsenttotheresidence,usuallyaplanterorasmallvaseofflowersindicatingaperson’scontinuedsympathyforthefamilyissuggested.Thefloristplacesanidentificationcardonthefloraltribute.Atthefuneralhomethecardsareremovedfromthefloraltributesandgiventothefamilysotheymayacknowledgethetributessent.
MASSCARDS...
MasscardscanbesenteitherbyCatholicornon-Catholicfriends.TheofferingofprayersisavaluedexpressionofsympathytoaCatholicfamily.AcardindicatingthataMassforthedeceasedhasbeenarrangedmaybeobtainedfromanyCatholicparish.InsomeareasitispossibletoobtainMasscardsatthefuneralhome.TheMassofferingcardorenvelopeisgiventothefamilyasanindicationofunderstanding,faithandcompassion.Makesurethatyournameandaddressislegibleandthatyoulistyourpostalcode.Thiswillmakeiteasierforthefamilytoacknowledgeyourgift.
MEMORIALDONATIONS...
Amemorialcontribution,toaspecificcauseorcharity,canbeappreciatedasflowers.Alargenumberofmemorialfundsareavailable,howeverthefamilymayhaveexpressedapreference.Memorialdonationsprovidefinancialsupportforvariousprojects.Ifrecognizedasacharitableinstitution,somegiftsmaybedeductiblefortaxpurposes.Yourfuneraldirectorisfamiliarwiththemandcanexplaineachoption,aswellasfurnishthedonorwith"InMemoriam"cards,whicharegiventothefamily.
SYMPATHYCARDS...
Sendingacardofsympathy,evenifyouareonlyanacquaintance,isappropriate.Itmeanssomuchtothefamilymemberstoknowtheyareingoodthoughts.Thecardshouldbeingoodtasteandinkeepingwithyourrelationshiptothefamilyofthedeceased.
PERSONALNOTE...
Apersonalnoteofsympathyisverymeaningful.Expressyourselfopenlyandsincerely.Anexpressionsuchas"I’msorrytolearnofyourpersonalloss"iswelcomedbythefamilyandcanbekeptwithothermessages.
TELEPHONECALL...
Speakingtoafamilymembergivesyouanopportunitytoofferyourservicesandmakethemfeelyoureallycare.Iftheywishtodiscusstheirrecentloss,don’thesitatetotalktothepersonaboutthedeceased.Beagoodlistener.Sendingatelegramexpressingyoursympathyisalsoappropriate.
VISITATION...
Yourpresenceatthevisitationdemonstratesthatalthoughsomeonehasdied,friendsstillremain.Yourpresenceisaneloquentstatementthatyoucare.
Visitationprovidesatimeandplaceforfriendstooffertheirexpressionofsorrowandsympathy,ratherthanawkwardlyapproachingthesubjectattheoffice,supermarketorsocialactivities.Theobituary/deathnoticewilldesignatethehoursofvisitationwhenthefamilywillbepresentandwillalsodesignatethetimeswhenspecialservicessuchaslodgeservicesorprayerservicesmaybeheld.Personsmaycallatthefuneralhomeatanytimeduringsuggestedhoursofthedayoreveningtopayrespects,eventhoughthefamilyisnotpresent.Friendsandrelativesarerequestedtosigntheregisterbook.Aperson’sfullnameshouldbelistede.g."Mrs.JohnDoe".Ifthepersonisabusinessassociate,itispropertolisttheiraffiliationasthefamilymaynotbefamiliarwiththeirrelationshiptothedeceased.
Friendsshouldusetheirownjudgementonhowlongtheyshouldremainatthefuneralhomeorplaceofvisitation.Iftheyfeeltheirpresenceisneeded,theyshouldoffertostay.
Whenthefuneralserviceisover,thesurvivorsoftenfeelveryaloneindealingwiththeirfeelings.Itisimportantthattheyknowyouarestillthere.Keepintouch.
SYMPATHYEXPRESSIONS...
Whenapersoncallsatthefuneralhome,sympathycanbeexpressedbyclaspinghands,anembrace,orasimplestatementofcondolence,suchas:
"I’msorry."
"Mysympathytoyou."
"ItwasgoodtoknowJohn."
"Johnwasafinepersonandafriendofmine.Hewillbemissed."
"Mysympathytoyourmother."
Thefamilymemberinreturnmaysay:
"Thanksforcoming."
"Johntalkedaboutyouoften."
"Ididn’trealizesomanypeoplecared."
"Comeseemewhenyoucan."
Encouragethebereavedtoexpresstheirfeelingsandthoughts,butdon’toverwhelmthem.
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS...
Thefamilyshouldacknowledgetheflowersandmessagessentbyrelativesandfriends.Whenfoodandpersonalservicesaredonated,thesethoughtfulactsalsoshouldbeacknowledged,asshouldtheservicesofthepallbearers.Thefuneraldirectormayhaveavailableprintedacknowledgementcardswhichcanbeusedbythefamily.Whenthesenderiswellknowntothefamily,ashortpersonalnoteshouldbewrittenontheacknowledgmentcardexpressingappreciationforacontributionorpersonalservicereceived.Thenotecanbeshort,suchas:
"Thankyouforthebeautifulroses.Thearrangementwaslovely.
"Thefoodyousentwassoenjoyedbyourfamily.Yourkindnessisdeeplyappreciated."
Insomecommunitiesitisapracticetoinsertapublicthankyouinthenewspaper.Thefuneraldirectorcanassistyouwiththis.
CHILDRENATFUNERALS
Ataveryearlyage,childrenhaveanawarenessofandaresponsetodeath.Childrenshouldbegiventheoptiontoattendvisitationandthefuneralservice.Thefuneraldirectorcanadviseyouonhowtoassistchildrenatthetimeofafuneralandcanprovideyouwithadditionalinformationandliterature.
GRIEFRECOVERY
Itishealthytorecognizedeathanddiscussitrealisticallywithfriendsandrelatives.Whenapersondies,thereisgriefthatneedstobeshared.Expressionsofsympathyandtheofferingofyourselftohelpothersfollowingthefuneralarewelcomed.Itisimportantthatweshareourgriefwithoneanother.Yourlocalfuneraldirectorcanhelpfamilyandfriendslocateavailableresourcesandgriefrecoveryprogramsinyourarea.