英语幽默集

律师的狗
A lawyer's dog， running about unleashed， beelines for (直奔）a butcher shop

and steals a roast. Butcher goes to lawyer's office and asks， “if a dog

running unleashed steals a piece of meat from my store， do I have a right to

demand payment for the meat from the dog's owner?” The lawyer answers， “Absolutely.”

“Then you owe me $8.50. Your dog was loose and stole a roast from me today.”

The lawyer， without a word， writes the butcher a check for $8.50.

Several days later the butcher opens the mail and finds an envelope from the

lawyer: $20 due for a consultation.

标点符号的重要性

An English teacher wrote these words on the whiteboard: “woman without her man

is nothing”. The teacher then asked the students to punctuate the words correctly.

The men wrote: “Woman， without her man， is nothing.”

The women wrote: “Woman！ Without her， man is nothing.”

戴眼镜的好处

The Advantage of Wearing Glasses

Helen's eyes were not very good， so she usually wore glasses， but when she

nineteen and began to go out with a young man， she never wore glasses when she

was with him. When he came to the door to take her out， she would take her

glasses off， and when she got back home again and he left， she would put them on.

One day her mother asked her:

“But Helen， why do you never wear glasses when you are with Jim? He takes you to

such lovely places in his car， but you can't see anything. ”

“Well， mother，” said Helen. “I look prettier to Jim when I'm not wearing my

glasses and he looks better to me， too.”

戴眼镜的好处

海伦的视力不太好，所以他常戴眼镜。她十九岁时开始和一个男青年交朋友。当和男朋友在一起时海伦从不戴眼镜。每当男朋友到门口接她外出的时候，她就摘下眼镜；回到家里，男朋友走了以后，海伦才戴上眼镜。

有一天妈妈问她：“海伦，你和吉姆在一起时为什么从不戴眼镜？他开车带你去优美的地方玩儿，可你什么也看不见。”

海伦说：“嗯，妈妈，我不戴眼镜时吉姆看着我更漂亮些，同时我也觉得他显得更顺眼一些。”

不可不读的绝对英文经典

Money is not everything. There‘s Mastercard & Visa.

钞票不是万能的，有时还需要信用卡.

One should love animals. They are so tasty.

每个人都应该热爱动物，因为它们很好吃.

Love the neighbor. But don‘t get caught.

要用心去爱你的邻居，不过不要让她的老公知道.

Behind every successful man， there is a woman. And behind every

unsuccessful man， there are two.

每个成功男人的背后都有一个女人，每个不成功男人的背后都有两个女人。

Every man should marry. After all， happiness is not the only thing in life.

再快乐的单身汉迟早也会结婚，幸福不是永久的嘛.

The wise never marry， And when they marry they become otherwise.

聪明人都是未婚的，结婚的人很难再聪明起来.

Success is a relative term. It brings so many relatives.

成功是一个相关名词，他会给你带来很多不相关的亲戚（联系）.

Never put off the work till tomorrow what you can put off today.

不要等明天交不上差再找借口， 今天就要找好.

Love is photogenic. It needs darkness to develop.

爱情就象照片，需要大量的暗房时间来培养.

Children in backseats cause accidents. Accidents in backseats cause children.

后排座位上的小孩会生出意外， 后排座位上的意外会生出小孩.

“Your future depends on your dreams.” So go to sleep.

“现在的梦想决定着你的将来”，所以还是再睡一会吧.

There should be a better way to start a day than waking up every morning.

应该有更好的方式开始新一天，而不是千篇一律的在每个上午都醒来.

“Hard work never kills anybody.” But why take the risk? “

努力工作不会导致死亡！”不过我不会用自己去证明.

“Work fascinates me.” I can look at it for hours！ “

工作好有意思耶！”尤其是看着别人工作.

God made relatives; Thank God we can choose our friends.

神决定了谁是你的亲戚，幸运的是在选择朋友方面他给了你留了余地。

When two‘s company， three‘s the result！

两个人的状态是不稳定的，三个人才是！

A dress is like a barbed fence. It protects the premises without restricting

the view.

服饰就象铁丝网，它阻止你冒然行动，但并不妨碍你尽情地观看.

The more you learn， the more you know， The more you know， the more you forget.

The more you forget， the less you know. So why bother to learn.

学的越多，知道的越多， 知道的越多；忘记的越多， 忘记的越多；知道的越少， 为什么学来着?！

你结婚多久了？

My husband， Brian， is a computer systems administrator. He is dedicated to his

job and works long hours， rarely taking time off for meals. One afternoon，

Brian was over －whelmed with solving a computer network problem， so I decided

to deliver a meal for him to eat at his workstation. When I was getting ready

to leave， I said good－bye and reminded him to eat his burg er and fries while

they were still warm. Staring at his monitor， he waved me away.″Don＇t worry，″

he said， obviously distracted，″I＇ll deleted them in a few minutes.″

我的丈夫布赖恩是一个系统管理员。他献身于工作，经常连续工作很长时间，很少有时间吃饭。

一天下午，布赖恩正在专心致志地解决一个电脑网络问题，所以我决定给他送饭，让他在自己的工作室里吃。

当我准备离开的时候，我说了再见，并提醒他趁着汉堡和油炸食物还热的时候，赶紧把它们吃了。

他盯着他的显示器，示意我离开。 不用担心， 他心不在焉地说 几分钟后我就把它们删除掉。

When a woman in my office became engaged， a colleague offered her some advice.″

The first ten years are the hardest，″she said.″How long have you been married？″

I asked.″Ten years，″ she replied.

我办公室里的一位女士订婚了，一个同事给她提了一些建议 头10年是最艰辛的， 她说。

你结婚多久了？ 我问。 10年。 她回答。