【英国】Driving Etiquette 驾驶礼节

LondonisoneofthefewplacesintheUKwherethe’Britishreserve’ofpolitenessistakenasasignofweakness.Showthistraitand60hardenedLondondriverswillimmediatelydotheirbesttoeviscerateyou.

BeforesettingouttodriveinLondon,itisworthtakingafewmomentstovisualiseyourcarasawhitevan,forthesearethetruelordsofLondon’sroads.Theyarehappytocrossthreelanesoftrafficwithoutaglancebackwardsbecausetheyknowyouarefarmorescaredofyourinsurancethantheyareoftheirs.

Yeteventheywillnotattempttoangerthedouble-deckerbus,which,havingnowbeengivenalegalrightofwayonLondonstreets,ismakingthemostofit.Bewaryofovertakingtheselumberingbeasts,forwhiletheymayseemtobedozingquietlyatthesideoftheroad,theywillleapoutatyouwithoutwarning.

MotorwayDrivingEtiquette

Duringpeaktimes(7-9amand5-7pm)theleft-handlaneisreservedforthe’Anti-DestinationLeague’(ADL)whopotteralongat55mph,andthe’GreatBritishMobileJunctionBlockingBrigade’(haulagetrucksandcaravans).Themiddlelaneshouldbekeptclearfortruckersthathavebeenslip-streamingtheirbuddiesforthelast50milesandhavejustbuiltenoughmomentumtospendthenext75milesinadeath-defyingovertakingmanoeuvre.Thisleavestherighthandlaneforeveryoneelse.

Themiddlelanecansometimesbeusedto’undertake’(adeliciouslyprescientword)yo-yoingdriversintherighthandlane,thoughyouaretakingsomelibertieswithpreviousestimatesofyourlifeexpectancy.

Atoff-peaktimesthingschangeratherdramatically.Ithasbeendecided,byamassivesubconsciousnationwidethought,thattherearethreenewnamesforthelanesonBritishmotorways:slow,cruise,andfast.Thus,ifyouarenotalorryorcaravanitisyourdutytositinthemiddlelane,evenifyouaregoingquiteslowly,withanemptyspacetoyourleftandnumerouscarsflashingtheirheadlightsbehindyou.Thefastlaneisonlyforpeoplewhowanttoattempttodoublethenationalspeed-limitof70mphandgetawaywithit.

RuralDrivingEtiquette

WhenonholidayinaruralpartsoftheUKthereareafewthingstoremember:

Youmightwellbeonholidaybutnoteverybodyelseis,sopleasedriveataproperdrivingspeed,andnotat20mphsoyoucanlookatthenicescenery.

Ifit’sbeenraining,theroadswillbewetandslippery,evenmoresothancityroadswhichtendtobeinbettercondition.Agoodwayofcheckingifaroadmightbedangerousandcauseyoutoskidistolookforbitsofmissingwall,orcar-shapedholesinfences.

Themiddlefingersignaliswellknowninruralparts,raisedbywayofgreeting.SeetheentryonIrishDrivingEtiquetteformoreinformation.

Ifyou’retowingahorseboxbesuretomovetothecentreoftheroadwhensomeonetriestoovertake.Everyoneloveswatchingthebackofyourslowmovingvehicle.Really.

Makesureeveryoneknowsyouareatouristbynotacceleratingafterpullingoutofsideturningsandcoveringtwothirdsofyourwindscreenwithamapofthearea.

RulesforOvertaking

IntheUKpeoplearesimplynottaughttoovertake.Combinethatwiththenaturallyanallyself-righteousnatureoftheBritishdriverandpoorlevelsofvehiclecontrol,andobservesomesimpleempiricalrulesforovertakingandbeingovertaken.

Onbeingovertakenstarefixedlyahead.Donot,underanycircumstancesacknowledgethefactthatsomeonewishestogetpastyou.Waituntilthey’realongsideyou.Clenchteethonpipe.Nowaccelerate.Hard.However,onamotorwaymakesureyou’reintheoutsidelane.Slowdownto68mph.Adjustflatcap.Wait20minutes.Tutloudlywhenpassedontheinside.

Whenovertakingapproachtowithinonepaintlayerofthevehicleinfront.Weavearoundtheroadabitinfutileattempttoseepast.Wait.Weave.Waitabitlonger.Waitforablindbendtocomeup.Nowovertake.Indicate(optional).Onamotorway,there’susuallysomeoneinaVolvotravellingat68mphintheoutsidelane,wearingaflatcapandsmokingapipe.Theinnertwoorthreelanesare,ofcourse,emptyofalltraffic.Approachasnormal,butdropbackandaccelerateatthemafewtimes,flashinglights.Thisisforform’ssakeonly-therewillbenoresponse.Waitashortwhile.Checkcarefullyformarkedpolicecarsandothercarswithsuspiciousaerialsorcameras.Swerveleft(UKroadrules,remember).Accelerateupinside,withnosepressedtosidewindow,makingironicgesturestootherdriver.

Thereareseveraloptionsforovertakingbicycles,twoofwhichare:

TheTheoreticalPhysicist:Treatthebicycleasawidthlesstwo-dimensionalobjectofeffectivelyzerovelocityandzeromass.Thereforemakenochangetoyourtrajectorywhenpassing.Ifyouwishtoturnleftimmediatelyafterpassingthisisnotaproblem,giventheassignedparameters.Anysubsequentswearingandcrunchingnoisesareanartifactofthecyclist’sfailuretounderstandyourframeofreference.

TheHelpfulSwerve:Seebicyclewhenit’s10maway.Wait.Swerveoutatlastminute,missingcyclistbymillimetres.Continuetrajectoryuntilyouare5moutwhen50mpastthecyclist.Swervebacktoavoidlorryyou’vejustseencomingtheotherway.

RulesuponHearingaSiren

Uponhearingasiren,andthusbeinginthepresenceofavehiclewithaflashingbluelightthatneedstogetpastextremelyquickly,calmlymoveoverasbestyoucantothesideoftheroadandwaitforsaidvehicletopass.Thencontinueonyourjourney.

Alternatively,dowhateveryoneintheUKdoes:pullthestupidestmanoeuvrepossible,anddonotpulloverinacalm,collected,responsibleway.Instead,swerveviolentlyintotopathoftheoncomingemergencyvehicle,or,ifit’sbehindyou,jamyourbrakesonunexpectedlytoproducedramaticskidsfrombothyourcarandthewearypublicservantwhoistryingtoarrivesomewhereelsefiveminutesago.